au naturel

"I Never Told You" Colbie Caillat

2010-06-02T15:02:00.000-05:00

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Lookin for closure

2010-06-02T01:02:00.002-05:00

I think I’ve written at least 10 different sentences trying to start this fucking letter and I keep sounding like an idiot. And telling you that is probably more idiotic, but at this point I really couldn't care less. You know better than anyone that I can't go through something with someone without much attempt to reach some kind of closure with a never-ending novel of stupid words. But that's just how I have to be right now as hard as it is. I hate confrontation as much as you do, trust me, but there are certain things in life and certain points that require us to compromise ourselves because they are of significance. As hard as it is, I can't move on until I know I have said everything I needed to. You were the first person I fell for hard and you mean more to me than you will ever know. Before I met you I thought I had experienced loving someone and getting my heart broken, but looking back on it I don't think I was ever so wrong. When I started to like you I fell really hard for you because you were so different than anything I had ever known. You were so persistent and put so much time and effort into getting to know me and caring about me, and I loved that. Our relationship grew at a distance and we were closer than we ever were because we were getting attached to each other’s words and minds. I feel like the distance was an advantage to a degree because we were forced to learn so much more about each other by being in constant contact and having to communicate everything. So many secrets, laughs, and hard times were shared and I don’t know about you, but to me it meant a lot. You came into my life at a point where I wasn’t looking for anything, but you forced your way in and found a place to linger and swept me away. Whenever I was having a hard time with different things you helped me out more than you will probably ever realize.
What has been left of your scent lingering on my jacket for days has begun to fade. Your touch which had once made my heart race rapidly no longer fazes me when I think of you. There’s not a second that goes by that something reminds me of you. I literally feel like there is a hole in my life. As if there has been something physically ripped away from me. And I keep waiting for my phone to ring so I can pick up and talk to you, my best friend, as if nothing is wrong. But there are two sad points in that mentality. One being that what you did was so disgustingly wrong and I don’t deserve a lying two faced friend who broke my heart. And, two, saddest of all and most true you probably won’t have the guts to call. It has been two long weeks now that I have not heard from you and I don’t know whether or not I should be the one to approach you. But at what costs? To what lengths do I have to go to and for what reason? What would that accomplish really? Just to tell you off and then what? To tell you that I still care about you deeply as a person? But how can I? I don’t understand after I have been betrayed so much, how can I still hold concern over the fact that you too may be hurting? Why do I care how you feel, why would I even begin to think that you’re hurting too when you don’t have the fucking balls to even try to reach out to me?

I keep thinking that in order for me to find closure I need to speak with you. Because right now, all I’m doing is arguing with a figment of my imagination and receiving no response. I at least hope to hear from you that I did mean something to you at one point or another. What that would accomplish I have no idea? But this entire situation has left me questioning my own intelligence and character. How the fuck could I ever trust someone so entirely, so completely and then come to find out that I actually meant nothing and could get screwed over so badly? I am befuddled as to how I thought I knew the kind of person you were, it makes me feel like a fucking dumbass for believing anything you ever told me. The connection I had with you was above and beyond words. I have never been able to bond with anyone as much as you. Hell, we are like the same fucking person, or so I thought. So much in common yet so much to talk about consistently all the time. There was rarely ever a dull moment even with the amount of time we spent communicating.
Now, as days have gone by and I no longer hear from you I am slowly becoming accustomed to the situation. I am content now with the events that occurred a few weeks ago, as content as I can be, however, I know now that I no longer want to have you in my life. I don’t think the friendship is worth what it would take to repair it. I’ve been hurt too deep and it’s been too long. Regardless of the romantic nature of whatever we had, that aside, even a friend, especially a best friend wouldn’t lie to his best friend about something like this. Arnas, that’s what bothers me the most. Not the fact that you were with someone else, but the fact that it was this girl, whom you especially promised me you didn’t care about. If it had been someone else, it would have been hard for me at first, but I would get over and be willing to continue our friendship. But the fact being that you lied and managed to keep this away from me not only over the phone but while we were face to face that day astonishes me. I thought I knew you, I thought I knew exactly who you were, your kind natured heart, and most of all I admired your honesty and integrity. I trusted you wholeheartedly, and even as I drove away from your house that night, I pushed away any feelings of anxiety I had, because I knew I could trust you entirely. I had no idea you would have the heart to betray me like that.
I remember when I first told Martynas that I liked you and he asked me for reasons why. I told him that you were happy, and that you made me happy. You made me feel special. The things you said to me seemed sincere and I thought I would always be able to count on you. It was such a good and different feeling than what I was used to. I could pour my heart out to you about my dad. You knew the all the details about my life, my day, and you knew what made me sad or happy. I could talk to you about anything and you would understand. And you would tell me off when I needed to hear it. I thought we shared the same values and philosophies. I thought I knew so much about you and who you were. Turns out I didn’t know anything. The Arnas I knew, the one who constantly told me he loved me, there’s no way he would be capable of doing this. After all, the person I fell in love with, who told me everything, was too kind, sweet and honest.
But I am now looking to you for that same happy feeling that you once gave to me, and it doesn't make sense because it's for sadness that you have caused. And when I think back to our past, I debate sometimes if I should regret ever going back to you after I found out about A, because I never got over it. And I should have trusted my gut instinct about L. You know, it makes my stomach drop now just as it did when it was all happening. I can’t trust you again and I couldn't be as happy with myself knowing I was the one who put myself into such a vulnerable position. But I continued to talk to you after I heard about A because I knew that when you love someone you don't throw it away. You don’t forget about them... and that is what I tried to do. I feel like for some reason you already know all of this and I don’t have to write anything. I want to think that in fact maybe you did care about and respect me to a degree, but I know I’m probably wrong because I know now that’s not possible. Because when you care about someone, whether it be a friend, best friend, or lover you could never let them feel so much pain.
Needless to say, it is breaking my heart knowing that this is the end of such a huge part of my life. But it has been breaking my heart every day watching what was once thought to be something amazing and happy fade into nothing. I know now though that I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to try and rekindle our friendship at any point. Because, it is no longer worth it to me. And it's hard to say that because my love for you has not faded, only the remains of our relationship/ friendship whatever it was. I love you more than you will ever know, and I will continue to because you are not someone I would ever forget.

I'm glad because you've proven my own theory to me regarding relationships. How they are completely worthless and no guy should ever be given the time of day. If only I had followed my own advice. I am after all infallible, if only I had acknowledged my own philosophy instead of choosing to think with my heart for the first time. Now I know how completely irrational and stupid that is. I always knew love is for the weak, it doesn't exist in my world.
I'm not going to lie, I’m hurt by the manner that you chose to react to this situation, but i'm not surprised, it shows your true nature. It’s through difficult situations like this that you learn the most about yourself and about others. I think you know me pretty well and my morals and values so far as I will never say anything to anyone you have told me or I would not do anything to intentionally punish you or hurt you because that is not my character. You know that better than anyone how I approach things and how I think. I have been completely myself and honest about everything. I hate to see anyone suffer or be in pain, especially you. You have changed me and my life and given me some of the most incredible memories that I will forever keep close to me. I’ll remember everything. I hope that you will too.

OLD- Before home argument

2010-05-29T00:43:00.002-05:00

Today was one of the hardest days I have ever had to go through. After yesterday, not speaking with you the rest of the day and then hearing nothing from you today has been driving me insane. I am missing you like crazy. You’re voice, your laughter, your stories. I miss it all. I don’t know what I did that could cause you so much rage and hostility towards me. I have been thinking about you constantly, non stop. A minute doesn’t go by that I am consumed with the thought that I caused you to come at me like that. I know that we’re both pig headed and stubborn and it beats me how we’ve maintained to keep such a close relationship with each other regardless of that. But you mean so much to me and I don’t want to throw everything down the drain at this point. You are leaving me with no doubt in my mind that you have never cared for me. As much as my brain is telling me that I irked you by responding that you don’t love me, some part of me is saying that if there was the tiniest ounce that you did, you would have no way responded to me in that manner. I would have never, ever let you ever think for a second that I don’t love you. Especially by using a string of profanities aimed at you. You mean to much for me to ever let you go on thinking that I think so low and poorly of you. Whatever that has been bothering you for the past few weeks, ever since we got into that fight over A, has been really troublesome to me. I have endlessly tried to convey my affection for you and I am now seeing that this change in attitude on my part, the extra attention has in fact pushed you away from me instead of compensating for that fight we had. Not a day has gone by in the past few months that we haven’t spoken or texted or communicated in some way, and I really hope that today is the only day that this is the case. Hopefully you are somewhere on the same page as me. Yesterday you replied that you were being serious with me when you said that you didn’t love me and that I should fuck myself. I don’t know what to make of that, because, in fact you were the person who initiated this phrase between the two of us. Because, frankly, I don’t really say I love you to that many people. I guess I was under the wrong impression all along assuming you were a genuine person and that I meant something to you. The way in which you were responding yesterday, isn’t a way someone would even treat his own enemy. I don’t get it. I don’t know what your problem is. The sad part is that letting this all settle in my head and having a day go by all I can think is that I want nothing more than to hear your voice on my phone. I just want to forget about all the hurt and pain I went through yesterday. I want to put it aside and just forget it, when I know, that in fact I should be the one mad at you for attacking me in such away. But all I can do is find fault in myself. I guess that is what happens when you fall in love. I just really miss you, baby. Please come back to me. Please. I need you.

2010-05-23T01:26:00.003-05:00

I feel like this all happened for a reason. You screwed up. If it hadn't happened, I would have never moved on. Yet, I still keep trying to find a reason to find myself at fault. ..

Pissed

2010-05-22T02:11:00.002-05:00

I have no idea why I ever let myself get involved so much when I knew in the first place it was a bad idea. All the signs along the way, I ignored. I lost sight of my goals, slowly my dedication to what matters most melted away. In spite of the warnings I was blinded and sucked in by the pull of a strong force we call infatuation. It is most of all embarassing and belittling to be put into a position exactly where I would never imagine myself. Never would I have thought I would lose my mind and blindlessly pursue something so dangerous. It's as if I knew from the start I would be digging myself into this hole. But his voice was intoxicating, his words cut my heart open and began to attach themselves everywhere. My stomach would erupt into a wonderland of butterflies everytime he fluttered through my mind. He was dangerously intoxicating. I was drunk off his words, I was paralyzed by him. So you see, really it wasn't my fault, because, I had no control over the state he left me. The effect was inevitable. I mean, to my defense, anyone in my position would be in the same place.

But now, I've lost him, actually he lost me, yet I feel like i'm the one who's missing a piece of myself. I've lost a part of me, there is a hole where he used to be. A place where he belongs entirely, which completely belongs to him. After all, when he was, my best friend, my lover, whatever you may say, after what feels like an eternity, it is done and over. Because, I can never, never take him back. Never again, can I look at him the same. After being disprespected, lied to, and treated so disgustingly, there's no way I could ever forgive and forget.

Every day it gets easer. It is getting better. I am so grateful for friends, they are each like little pieces of my soul. Infidelity no matter on what terms it may be based on, regardless of the nature of the relationship or lack thereof is the lowest point in a human beings life. A cheater is a scummy piece of shit, no matter if you're exclusive or not. Grow a fucking pair of balls and own up to your mistake motherfucker.

nostalgia?

2010-05-10T00:14:00.002-05:00

I forgot how much I love to write. You know you're stupid when you forget something that you're passionate about and choose to pursue something you dread everyday. I don't know if my choice in the area of study I have chosen was very wise, I have no interest in it whatsoever. But who knows, it's where the money is after all. Although I used this blog to post poetry and other pieces of creative writing, I think I'm going to start using it again, but instead this time try to maintain it as more blog-ish. I have nothing to say of importance, but that's ok because i can hide behind my annonimity. So heres to a new beginning with an old friend, au naturel.

:)

2008-09-20T00:05:00.002-05:00

i love hearing you say my name.
the sound of it makes my heart flutter.
your voice calms me.
the way you loook at me makes
me feel so alive

i want you to stay here and not have to leave.
i want to be with you now.

.....wow i should not be allowed to write this sort of stuff. i suck at it. but i am totally smitten!!!!

Rebirth

2008-03-25T21:57:00.002-05:00

The frozen, icy water reminds me of my frozen mind, of my very own icy existence. Then I see the grass. The rebirth of nature. The moisture of ice, the left over morning dew decorates the scenery, and now I too yearn to melt away my own ice. To shed my frozen skin, frozen brain, and to thrive and live in nature. To be so real, to relish my own natural self. The slight quacking of ducks justifies the transformation of the seasons. The breath of the wind on my skin chills my body, but it is as if it is giving up, it is it's final blow. The saccharine sunlight shines almost too brightly over the frozen lake. There is no movement of water; it has been paralyzed for a while now. The icy depths are sweating and will soon again sparkle and radiate under the blazing sheath of light. Can I too shed my coldness and transform? In the midst of this seasonal metamorphosis I breathe in the contradicting elements in their exposed states.

Dum da du DUm!

2008-01-22T22:04:00.000-06:00

Respiratory
Sometimes
I just want to breathe
in lungfuls
of crystal water
maybe because
it will wash away
all of this aching
in my chest.

To have this cool water
fill every crevice
of these lungs
would make me feel so light.

Dec. 26
Yellow trees
in the midst of regeneration
aching for saccharine
sunlight.

Limbs stretching
growing, growing, growing

Are their insides as
happy as their outsides?
Are their guts bleeding hope?
Or is it just humans that
bleed transparent despair?

ep

2008-01-15T22:24:00.000-06:00

Once I met this boy who dropped out of school because he loathed it. But he was so smart, well read, and just so mature he quickly became my world. He really was a genius. I thought he was the epitome of everything I wanted to be and so much more. I was so in love with him. I waited everyday to see him, to listen to him, to be with him. His crooked smile and his musky cigarette smell greeted me everyday and I yearned to be by his side. I wanted so much to learn from him, to somehow transform and to become one with he who I thought so ideal. We sat in the cold and exchanged words that haunted me at home and sang me serenely to sleep. He never ceased to astonish me with stories that drove me to the brink of insanity; I was restless. He had this nonchalant demeanor that would leave me shaking with longing. I had never found someone so perfect as he. Only he would understand me, only he would read me, only he would get to see me au naturel.

I saw him smoking his cigarette from the corner of my eye and his quick, cool manner quickly seized my attention. He carried himself towards me, and with a pregnant pause we exchanged a hundred words. I knew right away that I was headed towards trouble, but I was transfixed. Nothing could pull me away from my fixed gaze into his world.

Through all his perfection he lacked a certain quality that bothered me endlessly. After a few too many cigarettes and sad stories his cynicism became old after a while. I wasn’t so charmed by his words or his books anymore. But he left as quick as he came, and sometimes I sit and remember how much I enjoyed talking with someone who I could wholly understand and relate to. Then I realize that I probably won’t find anybody like him again.

Optimistic

2008-01-12T16:36:00.000-06:00

The Sun

A blanket of warmth smothering
protecting, nurturing, raising
golden heat.
Illuminating me, you, us

A blazing sheath, radiating
the glow of light
rays dancing, twirling.
Happiness and hope marching boldly alongside him.
Or is that too much of a stereotype
to think a thing so bright and luminous can bring joy?
Is it possible something so powerful
as the sun may be

Fallible?

And I know, I too, will cease to exist
but to know such a thing,
the fallibility of the sun,aches my parched mind

December 5, 2007

2008-01-12T16:29:00.000-06:00

I can’t believe that the day that you would leave my life is actually approaching. I can’t fathom going back to that room and having a vacant seat next to me occupied by nothing but a pregnant pause that is oozing with the echoes of your laughter and sarcasm. I remember how freshman year, we barely knew each other, but somehow we both realized how much we were like one another and quickly became friends. The year after that was filled with more of your witty jokes and both of us jabbing one another with sarcastic jokes. I regret having lost touch with you junior year, we missed the opportunity to become as close as we are now. Dylan, you really are an amazing person and you’re one of a kind. I’m so happy that we were able to become such good friends this year, and it’s a shame we hadn’t been sooner. No matter where you go, or what you’re doing, or which girl’s heart you’re breaking, don’t forget that you’ll always have a friend in me! I’ll always be here for you! You’re the type of person that comes around once in a life time. You truly are one in a million, and I’m going to miss you so much when you leave. There are days when I walk into German class and feel like I seriously want to die, and you have turned them completely upside down. Dylan you changed my life in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe!
I hope that you’ll be happy in Ohio and that we can continue to keep in touch frequently, because I don’t want to lose you! You’re really one of the few people I genuinely care for, and I want you to always remember that. Dylan, you’re one of the sweetest, kindest, most honest people in the world and don’t you ever forget that. Oh, well, besides me of course, because, we can’t forget, I am better than you. Really. I am. ;)
So now, you’re going to go and find all new friends and make funny jokes with other people and probably make fun of some other girl for being short or wearing too many flashy headbands, but promise me that you’ll never forget me, and that we’ll always be friends. Promise that we’ll visit each other a lot next year, and even this year, that we’ll be at each other’s weddings, and we’ll be there for each other when we have kids of our own, promise that we’ll be friends forever!
Even though it’s really hard to say goodbye to you, I know it’s not actually goodbye and I know I’ll see you again soon. I’m happy as long as you’re happy, so if it makes you glad to leave and start over, then I support you all the way, and if you ever need anything or need someone to talk to at ANY TIME OF THE DAY, DO NOT HESITATE to call me! I’ll always be here for you, Dylan! ;) I love you, you old KNUT!

give me a beat please

2008-01-12T16:25:00.000-06:00

clear
The rain sometimes beats
in synch with the rhythm of my brain
clearing everything
and washing away all of
everything.
But sometimes
that which occupies my mind
I want to hang on to
But how can I? Why would I want to?
For what enraptures me the most destroys me the most.

Imminent
Most of all I like to think that someday you and I
will share much more than a few minutes here and there
just discussing nothing.
Someday, we will be much more than
just hello-friends
-if we even we even have that luxury now.
Maybe someday instead of just constant bickering we’ll share much more.
But until that day the most I can do
is to pretend that
we are much more
and play your image in my brain
until I am satisfied by the way I have
rendered the way your hair falls
or the icy blue of your eyes.

Scatterbrain

2008-01-12T16:21:00.001-06:00

Some thoughts December 13
What makes us human is completely foreign to me. What makes me different from everyone else? And why do I feel so isolated most of the time when I’m really smothered by so many? I can be content sometimes, but there is always a ray of transparent sadness that seethes through my existence. The thought that my being is contingent on this desperation paralyzes me sometimes, but then I come upon finding that this is the very essence of what makes us human. To feel and to feel loneliness soothes my aching mind far more than it should, but the state of being content washes over me and I, once again, have the capability to breath in lungfuls of sweet, serene air. And to feel this very human pain and isolation completes me, for I am far more complete than you will ever be.

I'm allergic to the world

2008-01-12T16:09:00.000-06:00

Some Thoughts December 12
Why does everything seem to be such a blur all the time now? Why do I find myself in the same position over and over again in a permanent half alive, restless mindset? Is this how I’m destined to be? Incapable of seeing? My eyes are shut tight and they won’t budge, they won’t seem to move. Why can’t you pry them open for me? Why can’t you peel them open and expose them to the color I crave to see. I don’t want to keep waiting, I don’t want to be on the verge of exploding every time I feel a slight bustle of my eyelashes. I’m sick to my stomach of all of this lingering. I nauseate myself at my own meager attempts of creating change. Because, who do I think I am? I don’t want to think anymore, it hurts to recount everything. I don’t want to see what it is that is burning the back of my eyes. But I can’t see, even if I wanted to, I can’t. I just need to keep waiting more. Just waiting more for that unattainable ounce of nothing that is never going to change my life.