i love hearing you say my name.
the sound of it makes my heart flutter.
your voice calms me.
the way you loook at me makes
me feel so alive
i want you to stay here and not have to leave.
i want to be with you now.
.....wow i should not be allowed to write this sort of stuff. i suck at it. but i am totally smitten!!!!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Rebirth
The frozen, icy water reminds me of my frozen mind, of my very own icy existence. Then I see the grass. The rebirth of nature. The moisture of ice, the left over morning dew decorates the scenery, and now I too yearn to melt away my own ice. To shed my frozen skin, frozen brain, and to thrive and live in nature. To be so real, to relish my own natural self. The slight quacking of ducks justifies the transformation of the seasons. The breath of the wind on my skin chills my body, but it is as if it is giving up, it is it's final blow. The saccharine sunlight shines almost too brightly over the frozen lake. There is no movement of water; it has been paralyzed for a while now. The icy depths are sweating and will soon again sparkle and radiate under the blazing sheath of light. Can I too shed my coldness and transform? In the midst of this seasonal metamorphosis I breathe in the contradicting elements in their exposed states.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Dum da du DUm!
Respiratory
Sometimes
I just want to breathe
in lungfuls
of crystal water
maybe because
it will wash away
all of this aching
in my chest.
To have this cool water
fill every crevice
of these lungs
would make me feel so light.
Dec. 26
Yellow trees
in the midst of regeneration
aching for saccharine
sunlight.
Limbs stretching
growing, growing, growing
Are their insides as
happy as their outsides?
Are their guts bleeding hope?
Or is it just humans that
bleed transparent despair?
Sometimes
I just want to breathe
in lungfuls
of crystal water
maybe because
it will wash away
all of this aching
in my chest.
To have this cool water
fill every crevice
of these lungs
would make me feel so light.
Dec. 26
Yellow trees
in the midst of regeneration
aching for saccharine
sunlight.
Limbs stretching
growing, growing, growing
Are their insides as
happy as their outsides?
Are their guts bleeding hope?
Or is it just humans that
bleed transparent despair?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
ep
Once I met this boy who dropped out of school because he loathed it. But he was so smart, well read, and just so mature he quickly became my world. He really was a genius. I thought he was the epitome of everything I wanted to be and so much more. I was so in love with him. I waited everyday to see him, to listen to him, to be with him. His crooked smile and his musky cigarette smell greeted me everyday and I yearned to be by his side. I wanted so much to learn from him, to somehow transform and to become one with he who I thought so ideal. We sat in the cold and exchanged words that haunted me at home and sang me serenely to sleep. He never ceased to astonish me with stories that drove me to the brink of insanity; I was restless. He had this nonchalant demeanor that would leave me shaking with longing. I had never found someone so perfect as he. Only he would understand me, only he would read me, only he would get to see me au naturel.
I saw him smoking his cigarette from the corner of my eye and his quick, cool manner quickly seized my attention. He carried himself towards me, and with a pregnant pause we exchanged a hundred words. I knew right away that I was headed towards trouble, but I was transfixed. Nothing could pull me away from my fixed gaze into his world.
Through all his perfection he lacked a certain quality that bothered me endlessly. After a few too many cigarettes and sad stories his cynicism became old after a while. I wasn’t so charmed by his words or his books anymore. But he left as quick as he came, and sometimes I sit and remember how much I enjoyed talking with someone who I could wholly understand and relate to. Then I realize that I probably won’t find anybody like him again.
I saw him smoking his cigarette from the corner of my eye and his quick, cool manner quickly seized my attention. He carried himself towards me, and with a pregnant pause we exchanged a hundred words. I knew right away that I was headed towards trouble, but I was transfixed. Nothing could pull me away from my fixed gaze into his world.
Through all his perfection he lacked a certain quality that bothered me endlessly. After a few too many cigarettes and sad stories his cynicism became old after a while. I wasn’t so charmed by his words or his books anymore. But he left as quick as he came, and sometimes I sit and remember how much I enjoyed talking with someone who I could wholly understand and relate to. Then I realize that I probably won’t find anybody like him again.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Optimistic
The Sun
A blanket of warmth smothering
protecting, nurturing, raising
golden heat.
Illuminating me, you, us
A blazing sheath, radiating
the glow of light
rays dancing, twirling.
Happiness and hope marching boldly alongside him.
Or is that too much of a stereotype
to think a thing so bright and luminous can bring joy?
Is it possible something so powerful
as the sun may be
Fallible?
And I know, I too, will cease to exist
but to know such a thing,
the fallibility of the sun,aches my parched mind
A blanket of warmth smothering
protecting, nurturing, raising
golden heat.
Illuminating me, you, us
A blazing sheath, radiating
the glow of light
rays dancing, twirling.
Happiness and hope marching boldly alongside him.
Or is that too much of a stereotype
to think a thing so bright and luminous can bring joy?
Is it possible something so powerful
as the sun may be
Fallible?
And I know, I too, will cease to exist
but to know such a thing,
the fallibility of the sun,aches my parched mind
December 5, 2007
I can’t believe that the day that you would leave my life is actually approaching. I can’t fathom going back to that room and having a vacant seat next to me occupied by nothing but a pregnant pause that is oozing with the echoes of your laughter and sarcasm. I remember how freshman year, we barely knew each other, but somehow we both realized how much we were like one another and quickly became friends. The year after that was filled with more of your witty jokes and both of us jabbing one another with sarcastic jokes. I regret having lost touch with you junior year, we missed the opportunity to become as close as we are now. Dylan, you really are an amazing person and you’re one of a kind. I’m so happy that we were able to become such good friends this year, and it’s a shame we hadn’t been sooner. No matter where you go, or what you’re doing, or which girl’s heart you’re breaking, don’t forget that you’ll always have a friend in me! I’ll always be here for you! You’re the type of person that comes around once in a life time. You truly are one in a million, and I’m going to miss you so much when you leave. There are days when I walk into German class and feel like I seriously want to die, and you have turned them completely upside down. Dylan you changed my life in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe!
I hope that you’ll be happy in Ohio and that we can continue to keep in touch frequently, because I don’t want to lose you! You’re really one of the few people I genuinely care for, and I want you to always remember that. Dylan, you’re one of the sweetest, kindest, most honest people in the world and don’t you ever forget that. Oh, well, besides me of course, because, we can’t forget, I am better than you. Really. I am. ;)
So now, you’re going to go and find all new friends and make funny jokes with other people and probably make fun of some other girl for being short or wearing too many flashy headbands, but promise me that you’ll never forget me, and that we’ll always be friends. Promise that we’ll visit each other a lot next year, and even this year, that we’ll be at each other’s weddings, and we’ll be there for each other when we have kids of our own, promise that we’ll be friends forever!
Even though it’s really hard to say goodbye to you, I know it’s not actually goodbye and I know I’ll see you again soon. I’m happy as long as you’re happy, so if it makes you glad to leave and start over, then I support you all the way, and if you ever need anything or need someone to talk to at ANY TIME OF THE DAY, DO NOT HESITATE to call me! I’ll always be here for you, Dylan! ;) I love you, you old KNUT!
I hope that you’ll be happy in Ohio and that we can continue to keep in touch frequently, because I don’t want to lose you! You’re really one of the few people I genuinely care for, and I want you to always remember that. Dylan, you’re one of the sweetest, kindest, most honest people in the world and don’t you ever forget that. Oh, well, besides me of course, because, we can’t forget, I am better than you. Really. I am. ;)
So now, you’re going to go and find all new friends and make funny jokes with other people and probably make fun of some other girl for being short or wearing too many flashy headbands, but promise me that you’ll never forget me, and that we’ll always be friends. Promise that we’ll visit each other a lot next year, and even this year, that we’ll be at each other’s weddings, and we’ll be there for each other when we have kids of our own, promise that we’ll be friends forever!
Even though it’s really hard to say goodbye to you, I know it’s not actually goodbye and I know I’ll see you again soon. I’m happy as long as you’re happy, so if it makes you glad to leave and start over, then I support you all the way, and if you ever need anything or need someone to talk to at ANY TIME OF THE DAY, DO NOT HESITATE to call me! I’ll always be here for you, Dylan! ;) I love you, you old KNUT!
give me a beat please
clear
The rain sometimes beats
in synch with the rhythm of my brain
clearing everything
and washing away all of
everything.
But sometimes
that which occupies my mind
I want to hang on to
But how can I? Why would I want to?
For what enraptures me the most destroys me the most.
Imminent
Most of all I like to think that someday you and I
will share much more than a few minutes here and there
just discussing nothing.
Someday, we will be much more than
just hello-friends
-if we even we even have that luxury now.
Maybe someday instead of just constant bickering we’ll share much more.
But until that day the most I can do
is to pretend that
we are much more
and play your image in my brain
until I am satisfied by the way I have
rendered the way your hair falls
or the icy blue of your eyes.
The rain sometimes beats
in synch with the rhythm of my brain
clearing everything
and washing away all of
everything.
But sometimes
that which occupies my mind
I want to hang on to
But how can I? Why would I want to?
For what enraptures me the most destroys me the most.
Imminent
Most of all I like to think that someday you and I
will share much more than a few minutes here and there
just discussing nothing.
Someday, we will be much more than
just hello-friends
-if we even we even have that luxury now.
Maybe someday instead of just constant bickering we’ll share much more.
But until that day the most I can do
is to pretend that
we are much more
and play your image in my brain
until I am satisfied by the way I have
rendered the way your hair falls
or the icy blue of your eyes.
Scatterbrain
Some thoughts December 13
What makes us human is completely foreign to me. What makes me different from everyone else? And why do I feel so isolated most of the time when I’m really smothered by so many? I can be content sometimes, but there is always a ray of transparent sadness that seethes through my existence. The thought that my being is contingent on this desperation paralyzes me sometimes, but then I come upon finding that this is the very essence of what makes us human. To feel and to feel loneliness soothes my aching mind far more than it should, but the state of being content washes over me and I, once again, have the capability to breath in lungfuls of sweet, serene air. And to feel this very human pain and isolation completes me, for I am far more complete than you will ever be.
What makes us human is completely foreign to me. What makes me different from everyone else? And why do I feel so isolated most of the time when I’m really smothered by so many? I can be content sometimes, but there is always a ray of transparent sadness that seethes through my existence. The thought that my being is contingent on this desperation paralyzes me sometimes, but then I come upon finding that this is the very essence of what makes us human. To feel and to feel loneliness soothes my aching mind far more than it should, but the state of being content washes over me and I, once again, have the capability to breath in lungfuls of sweet, serene air. And to feel this very human pain and isolation completes me, for I am far more complete than you will ever be.
I'm allergic to the world
Some Thoughts December 12
Why does everything seem to be such a blur all the time now? Why do I find myself in the same position over and over again in a permanent half alive, restless mindset? Is this how I’m destined to be? Incapable of seeing? My eyes are shut tight and they won’t budge, they won’t seem to move. Why can’t you pry them open for me? Why can’t you peel them open and expose them to the color I crave to see. I don’t want to keep waiting, I don’t want to be on the verge of exploding every time I feel a slight bustle of my eyelashes. I’m sick to my stomach of all of this lingering. I nauseate myself at my own meager attempts of creating change. Because, who do I think I am? I don’t want to think anymore, it hurts to recount everything. I don’t want to see what it is that is burning the back of my eyes. But I can’t see, even if I wanted to, I can’t. I just need to keep waiting more. Just waiting more for that unattainable ounce of nothing that is never going to change my life.
Why does everything seem to be such a blur all the time now? Why do I find myself in the same position over and over again in a permanent half alive, restless mindset? Is this how I’m destined to be? Incapable of seeing? My eyes are shut tight and they won’t budge, they won’t seem to move. Why can’t you pry them open for me? Why can’t you peel them open and expose them to the color I crave to see. I don’t want to keep waiting, I don’t want to be on the verge of exploding every time I feel a slight bustle of my eyelashes. I’m sick to my stomach of all of this lingering. I nauseate myself at my own meager attempts of creating change. Because, who do I think I am? I don’t want to think anymore, it hurts to recount everything. I don’t want to see what it is that is burning the back of my eyes. But I can’t see, even if I wanted to, I can’t. I just need to keep waiting more. Just waiting more for that unattainable ounce of nothing that is never going to change my life.
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