OLD- Before home argument

Today was one of the hardest days I have ever had to go through. After yesterday, not speaking with you the rest of the day and then hearing nothing from you today has been driving me insane. I am missing you like crazy. You’re voice, your laughter, your stories. I miss it all. I don’t know what I did that could cause you so much rage and hostility towards me. I have been thinking about you constantly, non stop. A minute doesn’t go by that I am consumed with the thought that I caused you to come at me like that. I know that we’re both pig headed and stubborn and it beats me how we’ve maintained to keep such a close relationship with each other regardless of that. But you mean so much to me and I don’t want to throw everything down the drain at this point. You are leaving me with no doubt in my mind that you have never cared for me. As much as my brain is telling me that I irked you by responding that you don’t love me, some part of me is saying that if there was the tiniest ounce that you did, you would have no way responded to me in that manner. I would have never, ever let you ever think for a second that I don’t love you. Especially by using a string of profanities aimed at you. You mean to much for me to ever let you go on thinking that I think so low and poorly of you. Whatever that has been bothering you for the past few weeks, ever since we got into that fight over A, has been really troublesome to me. I have endlessly tried to convey my affection for you and I am now seeing that this change in attitude on my part, the extra attention has in fact pushed you away from me instead of compensating for that fight we had. Not a day has gone by in the past few months that we haven’t spoken or texted or communicated in some way, and I really hope that today is the only day that this is the case. Hopefully you are somewhere on the same page as me. Yesterday you replied that you were being serious with me when you said that you didn’t love me and that I should fuck myself. I don’t know what to make of that, because, in fact you were the person who initiated this phrase between the two of us. Because, frankly, I don’t really say I love you to that many people. I guess I was under the wrong impression all along assuming you were a genuine person and that I meant something to you. The way in which you were responding yesterday, isn’t a way someone would even treat his own enemy. I don’t get it. I don’t know what your problem is. The sad part is that letting this all settle in my head and having a day go by all I can think is that I want nothing more than to hear your voice on my phone. I just want to forget about all the hurt and pain I went through yesterday. I want to put it aside and just forget it, when I know, that in fact I should be the one mad at you for attacking me in such away. But all I can do is find fault in myself. I guess that is what happens when you fall in love. I just really miss you, baby. Please come back to me. Please. I need you.

I feel like this all happened for a reason. You screwed up. If it hadn't happened, I would have never moved on. Yet, I still keep trying to find a reason to find myself at fault. ..

Pissed

I have no idea why I ever let myself get involved so much when I knew in the first place it was a bad idea. All the signs along the way, I ignored. I lost sight of my goals, slowly my dedication to what matters most melted away. In spite of the warnings I was blinded and sucked in by the pull of a strong force we call infatuation. It is most of all embarassing and belittling to be put into a position exactly where I would never imagine myself. Never would I have thought I would lose my mind and blindlessly pursue something so dangerous. It's as if I knew from the start I would be digging myself into this hole. But his voice was intoxicating, his words cut my heart open and began to attach themselves everywhere. My stomach would erupt into a wonderland of butterflies everytime he fluttered through my mind. He was dangerously intoxicating. I was drunk off his words, I was paralyzed by him. So you see, really it wasn't my fault, because, I had no control over the state he left me. The effect was inevitable. I mean, to my defense, anyone in my position would be in the same place.

But now, I've lost him, actually he lost me, yet I feel like i'm the one who's missing a piece of myself. I've lost a part of me, there is a hole where he used to be. A place where he belongs entirely, which completely belongs to him. After all, when he was, my best friend, my lover, whatever you may say, after what feels like an eternity, it is done and over. Because, I can never, never take him back. Never again, can I look at him the same. After being disprespected, lied to, and treated so disgustingly, there's no way I could ever forgive and forget.

Every day it gets easer. It is getting better. I am so grateful for friends, they are each like little pieces of my soul. Infidelity no matter on what terms it may be based on, regardless of the nature of the relationship or lack thereof is the lowest point in a human beings life. A cheater is a scummy piece of shit, no matter if you're exclusive or not. Grow a fucking pair of balls and own up to your mistake motherfucker.

nostalgia?

I forgot how much I love to write. You know you're stupid when you forget something that you're passionate about and choose to pursue something you dread everyday. I don't know if my choice in the area of study I have chosen was very wise, I have no interest in it whatsoever. But who knows, it's where the money is after all. Although I used this blog to post poetry and other pieces of creative writing, I think I'm going to start using it again, but instead this time try to maintain it as more blog-ish. I have nothing to say of importance, but that's ok because i can hide behind my annonimity. So heres to a new beginning with an old friend, au naturel.