Pissed

I have no idea why I ever let myself get involved so much when I knew in the first place it was a bad idea. All the signs along the way, I ignored. I lost sight of my goals, slowly my dedication to what matters most melted away. In spite of the warnings I was blinded and sucked in by the pull of a strong force we call infatuation. It is most of all embarassing and belittling to be put into a position exactly where I would never imagine myself. Never would I have thought I would lose my mind and blindlessly pursue something so dangerous. It's as if I knew from the start I would be digging myself into this hole. But his voice was intoxicating, his words cut my heart open and began to attach themselves everywhere. My stomach would erupt into a wonderland of butterflies everytime he fluttered through my mind. He was dangerously intoxicating. I was drunk off his words, I was paralyzed by him. So you see, really it wasn't my fault, because, I had no control over the state he left me. The effect was inevitable. I mean, to my defense, anyone in my position would be in the same place.

But now, I've lost him, actually he lost me, yet I feel like i'm the one who's missing a piece of myself. I've lost a part of me, there is a hole where he used to be. A place where he belongs entirely, which completely belongs to him. After all, when he was, my best friend, my lover, whatever you may say, after what feels like an eternity, it is done and over. Because, I can never, never take him back. Never again, can I look at him the same. After being disprespected, lied to, and treated so disgustingly, there's no way I could ever forgive and forget.

Every day it gets easer. It is getting better. I am so grateful for friends, they are each like little pieces of my soul. Infidelity no matter on what terms it may be based on, regardless of the nature of the relationship or lack thereof is the lowest point in a human beings life. A cheater is a scummy piece of shit, no matter if you're exclusive or not. Grow a fucking pair of balls and own up to your mistake motherfucker.